Dive into thought

I’ve had conversations with my boyfriend or close people in the past, that were very fun, yet I can’t seem to remember what I even talked about. I think my mind can’t recall what the subjects were because most of the words came from my heart instead.

I’m tired of being left out of anything because of how I am. I’m very shy when I first meet someone, but when I’m intimidated or scared, I start fumbling on my words and possibly end up saying something I wanted to in a weird way.

One time, I was greeting someone I had acquainted recently with her friends, and I tried to tell them I liked their cosplay’s, but I ended up saying it timidly, and upon walking away, heard the girl asking if they thought I was “okay”. I hate that so much. 

I’m fine, I have trouble articulating what I want to say, and it’s always better in my head. Just a few minutes ago, I tested a photographer who asked me to shoot with him and other cosplayer’s what his schedule was. He told me, after inviting me, that he was already going to shoot it tomorrow with them…this is the second time he’s done that. Invited me, and then just forget about me and went on with everyone else — I mean, is there something THAT wrong with me?

I can’t help but to feel like I’m a nuisance to them in someway, or just anyone. I’ve never even fit in well with people who share the same interests with me, which led me to feeling more left out. I don’t mind being different, and I don’t want to stand out either, I just don’t want to be left out.

If people have stuck around long enough with me, I know they would find I’m an alright person, but who would stick around long enough to do so? I bet if I wasn’t the slightest attractive, then no one would completely bother except my family, or a counselor, who does it as a job.

I’ve been growing more content with the fact that I don’t need friends if I have my boyfriend. He’s really the only one who gets me, and that’s all that should matter, right? WhatI think and if there’s at least one person who understands me and lets me fit in with them.